Over the last few days, I’ve been struggling. I’ve been grumpy. Life has been traveling a mile a minute.
I’ve been taking things in stride, but cracks are starting to show in my foundation. Enough of them to make worried about my ability to withstand the storm.
L and I celebrated a decade of marriage last Thursday, and with family and friends coming to celebrate with us over the weekend, things have been a blur.
To complicate matters, my quality of sleep has plummeted, and I have now completely discontinued one of my medications. With the medication change, I find myself wondering if the moods are a result of the med change and a byproduct of my body adjusting, or if something darker is creeping in.
I know that I am still so much stronger than in years past. I am in a better place mentally, and I have plenty of tools and supports at my side. Still I wonder, can I withstand the storm?
At the moment, with the impaired sleep and the med change, I have an impaired ability to cope. Especially with all the activity over the last week. I still have to write up events I covered on the weekend. Stuff that should have been in today. The get together we had on Sunday was amazing, and we had 60 or so people come to celebrate with us. It was truly a blessing.
But the sheer number of people packed in to the small space of the venue completely over-stimulated my senses. Throw in the blistering heat at the end of the week last week, and the other issues already noted…I’m not going to lie, I’ve been overly sensitive and emotional, and I know it. Again it goes back to the impaired ability to cope.
The one bright light I have had this week is the VBS my church is hosting this week. I was asked to be a “tribe” leader as we look at the story of Daniel and his captivity in Babylon. A moment of insanity overcame me as I said yes, and have found myself leading a group of 5 to 12 year-olds in this VBS. You can not stay in a bad mood when you are chasing around young kids playing birthday tag in the kinds playground, or crating treasures in the marketplace. As tired, as stressed, as grumpy as I have been, it’s been good.
That said, I am looking forward to things slowing down. My folks leave Thursday, the mother-in-law leaves sometime next week, and we are slowly getting our house back in order. With any luck I will be able to find some time and space to hit the brakes a bit, and work on re-collecting myself.
I know I’ve been here before. I know I can get through this. I also know that I have a safety plan in place. I just hope I don’t have to use it.