Another long weekend is upon us.
Where the hell has this summer gone?
I’ve definitely been busy. I’ve been attempting to write more, I’ve been spending lot’s of time on the road, and I have been rehabbing the shoulder. This summer has flown by.
If I wasn’t busy enough, I’ve been helping coordinate my parents and L’s mom coming out to visit this coming week. It’s been 10 years since Lynn and I got married. We’ve been together almost 12. If this summer is going fast, where the hell did this last decade go?
It seems like just yesterday where I scared the hell out of L, and proposed to her at the same time. We married 18 months later. Now almost a decade has a passed. I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30. My love for L is as great today as it was when we married, so long ago.
But I have regrets too.
I regret that because of my own ambitions at my job we never got around to having kids. Then after a period of stability my mental illnesses flared thanks to the trigger of PTSD. The last five years I have been in survival mode, and have been so busy working on my mental health, that again kids were never to enter the picture.
I know it hurts L that our friends are still having kids, and we have missed our window. It tears me apart inside knowing that she hurts. It feels like a failure on my part.
I know our journey hasn’t been easy. Hell it’s been fucking brutal, to be honest. It’s not over either.
I’m slowly starting a new career as a writer and photographer. I’m finding balance in my life. Setting boundaries. Learning to live a life that I may not necessarily love all the time, but one I am taking for granted less.
Life has been difficult, but it’s been rewarding too. I think of the lives I touched working on ambulance. The many friends and family that have supported me through the years.
Yes, money is tight. Being on WCB and disability suck. Materially, I have what I need though, if not much extra. However I do feel rich. I have my loving wife. My dog and cat. My friends. I’m slowly discovering my faith again too, though it hasn’t been easy and I still have questions.
I also have my strength. A fortitude within that hasn’t allowed my spirit to be crushed despite adversity. A knowledge within that can tell me when I’m just having a bad day versus when I actually need help.
Suicide is not usually far out of my mind, even when I am well. When I am not the thoughts damn near suffocate me. In fact one of the greatest fears I have is of my impulsiveness. I am truly scared that one day I will fall so low that the impulsiveness will take over and I will end it. That’s when I know I need help.
However the strength from everything I have survived up until this point resides within. I don’t like my past. I don’t regret it either, because it is what caused me to be me, and quite honestly, with the hell I have been through, I’m not sure how many others would have been able to survive it.
The last 10 years have been a blink. The future is a gift I don’t intend to squander.
Have a great and safe long weekend.