After a rather busy few days, I am looking forward to taking a couple of quiet days for myself to recharge and get caught up on some housework, which has been unfortunately getting neglected.
I am approaching the start of this new week with a mix of anticipation and dread, as this Thursday I will be making the trek to Edmonton for my group for the final time. When I walk out of the group around 1430hrs on Thursday, I will be closing the chapter on the last five years of my life, and the closer I get to that time, the more I think about that time, the more butterflies I am getting in my stomach and the more regret I am having for ending my participation in the group which has helped me immensely over the last 13 months.
But, it is time to move on. The longer I would have stayed, the more comfortable I would have become, and attending the group because it’s comfortable is the wrong reason to have remained.
I know I am going to have to fight like hell to keep my head above water. With how busy I have been, with my part of the group coming to a close, I have been feeling a lot of anxiety, and very “borderline” which I really hope has not been impacting my job with the paper.
The more anxious I get, the more “clingy” and pushy I get, because I try to hang on too tightly convinced that I am pushing people away, and the tighter I grab on, the more people pull away, creating a self fulfilling prophecy. It is something I am painfully aware of, and something I try very hard to keep under control. It’s not always easy.
It’s not easy, but it is a goal which is very achievable.I know it, because I have lived it before, where I had a span of years without hospitalizations. I am nowhere close to that goal yet, however everyday I move forward is another day where I come closer to that goal.
The future is in motion, and no one can predict what it will hold. I know what I hope, and what I plan, but I also know that life and God often have different idea’s about the direction I need to be taking at times. Rather than be torn apart by the waves that life can throw at me, I know that I will have to be flexible, be able to adjust what life throws at me. I know that being able to adjust and adapt is key, and that my skills will be tested.
I feel ready to be tested, though. I feel ready to close this chapter. It’s been a long five years where I have been through hell and back. I am not the man I was at the start of this journey. With the experiences I have had in my life, how can I be expected to be? I have learned a lot in my groups. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought possible. I have learned that as much as I have hated my life experiences, I would not trade them for the world, because they make me who I am.
I’m honestly looking forward to writing the next chapter. I hope you will continue to join me on my journey.