I’ve been finding a routine the last few days with L being gone to the Calgary Comic Expo. I have to admit that it has been quiet with her gone. However, I have managed to keep myself somewhat busy with odds and ends around the house, as well as working at our bookstore.
When I opted to not attend Expo this year, I have to admit, I was a bit nervous with being on my own. In light of the of the week I had leading up to her departure, well, let’s say it didn’t much to allay those fears.
Here I am though. It’s been almost a week with her being gone, and she gets home this evening. The animals are still happy and healthy, as am I. The world didn’t get knocked out of it’s orbit. Hell, with how busy we both have been we haven’t even spoken to each other as much as we usually do when we’re apart.
The paralyzing separation anxiety I used to have has definitely been tamed. Is it still there? Absolutely. Is it comfortable? Not so much. The difference is my outlook on it. It doesn’t mean I miss her any less. I’ve been missing her like crazy. I’ve just been able to focus on other things, knowing that she will be home soon, and in the meantime she is having a blast with friends.
I’m actually fairly impressed with how busy I have been able to keep myself. I worked the bookstore Wednesday/Friday/Saturday/today, I covered a couple of events for the news paper, church yesterday, caught up on a few chores at home….. though not nearly all of them (the dust bunnies are starting to turn feral…), and helped some friends with some technology issues they were having. I also found some time for me. I did play some video games, however I also caught up on a bit of TV, and as you may have noticed, been doing a few more blogs.
In short, I feel like I am coping better now than ever before. This hasn’t been an easy road though. It takes work to maintain.
Where do I go from here? I don’t know. The future is yet to be written, and while the past can’t be brushed aside and forgotten, I can move from it into today, and enjoy the world that exists outside. I can push and challenge myself, building myself up instead of tearing myself down.
It is easy to say. It is harder to actually do. I have ghosts that follow me that I will never be rid of. I do have limitations, that if I exceed could be potentially detrimental to my recovery. What is worse though? Not pushing the limits, playing it safe, and not living, or pushing the limits, living your life, and finding out your limits are further away than you though?
I know that dealing with significant mental illness diagnoses complicates the issue. There is a fine line between pushing myself too much, and not pushing myself to my capabilities. I have started realizing that I would rather push the limits and take the journey, instead of not leaving the house. Playing it safe isn’t living. It’s waiting to die. Pushing the limits, if done properly, can carry you further than you ever thought possible. All of that being said though, there is a difference between pushing your limits, and being reckless.
I have already started my Journey. It began when I started this blog. My limits got pushed even further when I began writing for the paper. I’ve been pushing myself through therapy and groups. I have plans in place for if I stumble. I have incredible supports. As much as I dislike it, I know that the hospital is always an option again if I need it. I feel like at this point I am setting myself up to succeed.
Make preparations. Even skydivers have a backup chute. But take that first step. Begin the journey. Find out where your road leads. And I welcome you to join me on my journey.