Today, I am hanging on y my finger tips. My morning off started not great, and it hasn’t helped my already unstable emotions that I have been having over the last several weeks.
I had some weird dreams last night, and din’t sleep all that well. I woke up feeling kind of spacey. Seeing as Lynn is still fighting something, I told her I would work at the store we own. I got up late, got what I needed together, and headed out.
My mustang sits at the front of three vehicles on our driveway, and it takes some maneuvering to get the car onto the road. Well, I managed to maneuver it right into the passenger side rear quarter panel of our last vehicle in line, a 2002 Ford explorer. The Explorer is beat to hell as is, but the mustang is….well was in solid shape. I have to take it for an estimate, but based on the photo I sent my body guy figures it will be just shy of $2000. I’m glad I have insurance, but it’s definitely not ideal, as I don’t want my insurance to go up over a second of inattention.
Lynn feels like it is her fault as she should have been the one going to work at the store today. I’m feeling like an idiot because the fact of the matter is I misjudged the turn when I was threading the needle down the driveway to get the car out. Net result of this accident is we are both left feeling worse. Not helpful.
The financial side of it sucks, regardless, as things have been tight as is. Don’t really need to be paying for stupid mistakes on top of it. The emotional/mental side of it seriously doesn’t help either. I am kicking my own ass for what could and should have been an avoidable mistake.
And there lies the crux of the issue. The fact is crap happens. The fact is whether it is self inflicted, or brought down on us by someone else, we have to be able to deal with the circumstances we are given. We can not control how other people react. We can only control how we react to given stimuli.
I am trying to push down the self harming urges I have from this event. I’m trying to temper the negativity that is flooding through me. Regardless of whether I go to work on myself, or not, the issue at hand will remain. Whether I self harm or not, whether I let the depression take an even stronger hold, the facts will not change. I fucked up. He is going to cost. Hiding under a rock, as nice as that would be, is not an option.
I need to, and can, be smart in how I deal with this. But it has to be dealt with expediently. With metal being bare, if it’s going to have to be soon, before rust sets in.