I was feeling pretty good for a little while. In the last couple of weeks I have been falling though. I have not been sleeping well. I’ve been having messed up dreams. I have been tired. Through it all though, I have been doing what I can to maintain. I’ve still been exercising, albeit with less regularity. I’ve been doing what I can to get myself out of the house, when my instincts have been to start withdrawing.
Everything put together is making me feel frustrated. Frustrated that I am dealing with this curse of mental illness. Frustrated that I can’t seem to maintain a “normal” level of function for more than a few weeks at a time. Frustrated that even when I do go out into the community I have to plaster a smile onto my face and hide how I am really feeling.
I called the crisis line for the first time in a few months the other day. My urges to cut again were overwhelming. I didn’t succumb to the urges, however the wave was intense. I’ve been struggling with my anxiety again as well. I don’t get it. I don’t get how I swing as much as I do. It’s almost like I’m not letting myself be happy. I know that’s not the truth, but it is definitely how it feels at times.
When I pull back the focus, and look at the big picture,l I can see how much improvement there has been in my life over the past 4 years. I haven’t cut myself in over two years. I am getting to be more and more active in the church, helping out as a sound tech. I am doing free-lance writing/reporting for my local paper. I’m still working on maintaining my fitness regime. To top things off I’ve also joined a local car club based out of a nearby community, and am slowly working on getting my car on the road. I was aiming to have it insured by April 1, but between weather and parts, it will be another few weeks at best. Hopefully we are just about through this horrid winter/spring weather. I am over the cold.
I know that these mental health matters ebb and flow at times. I know that I am going to be dealing with this crap until the end of my days. I know I will be on medications indefinitely to help me maintain. Cognitively I know that. However it does not take away the frustration and feelings of helplessness that overwhelm me in moments I struggle.
Part of me just wonders what I am missing. Why I can’t maintain at a regular level. Why I have been cursed with this bullshit called mental illness. I know that to a certain extent I am self stigmatizing, and I need to stop it, because no amount of over thinking and getting down on myself is going to change the facts. It is what it is. I just really wish that I can get logic and emotion on the same page when I feel like this, so I can quit feeling so overwhelmed and beat down.
I do know that I have been here before, and worse, and I have every reason to expect that I will come through this again. I just need to hang on for the ride.