It’s always darkest before dawn

Today is my 39th birthday. I can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment when I reflect on the past year.  With everything I’ve had going on, I made it. The future is starting to become less dark. I feel like I have a purpose again.

I still struggle. That’s not going to change. How I deal with that struggle is what is changing. I’m able to get my thoughts out of my head and onto my blog. I’m able to handle people. I’m actually able to socialize.

Recently I have had a marked shift in my thinking. I have been struggling with the status quo. I’ve struggled with work since I left the ambulance. I’d been content to remain “semi-retired” and work on my mental health. Now though, I am starting to get bored. I’m starting to feel that I need to do something more meaningful than cleaning the house or playing video games.

Speaking to my psychologist, he thinks that it is completely healthy to think that way. I’m inclined to agree. I am not going to jump on the first job that drops in my lap though. The job I get has to be the right fit. I’m also looking at expanding my education where it comes to my writing.

Through this shift in my thinking, I am feeling calmer. More relaxed and ready to deal with what comes my way. However, I must remain vigilant. The darkness can come creeping back at any time. And when it comes, which it will,  it will come on so slowly so as to be almost imperceptible. I will have to keep following my long term wellness plan.  The fitness. The appointments. The medications. All of these things together have brought me to the point where I currently find myself, on the cusp of a new future I have but to write.

The appointments will spread out. The medications may change. There ARE bad days down the road. But right now, I know that I am in a much better situation to be able to deal with what comes my why.  The last few years I have been struggling through the darkness. Now I am starting to see the light and move out of the dark. I won’t forget the darkness, but I can use it to make sure I appreciate the light all the more.


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