Wow, I cannot get over how much an impaired quality of sleep affects my moods. Last night I had one of the most vivid dreams that I can remember in the past few months. It was very intense, and something straight out of a “B” Movie. It was complete with shootouts, car chases, and murder. According to my Fitbit, my pulse peaked at over 100bpm during the night.
When I woke this morning, I woke up feeling absolutely trashed, and drained. Unfortunately, due to an eventful day yesterday, my wife was unable to sleep until somewhere approaching 3am herself, and while I had to get up and to church, she stayed in bed to catch up on sleep.
And instead of letting her sleep, I texted her, and texted her, because I was feeling overly emotional and wanting to talk to her. I hate that I get clingy when there are times I know I need to leave well enough alone. As a result of pushing her, and texting excessively, we ended up having a fight. Not something I am proud of. I feel embarrassed that I let my emotions get the better of me.
It is part of my life though. The emotional upheaval that I deal with reminds me that as far as I have come, I have to remain diligent. I have to keep doing the things I need to do to stay healthy. These things involve eating well, and getting the rest I need. This also involves patience.
I’ve always been told that patience is a virtue. Patience is a challenge at the best of times. Patience with oneself is difficult, approaching impossible. When mental illness is involved, things get exponentially harder. The inability to forgive oneself is inherent with mental illness. When I am having a “clingy” episode I need to be able to forgive myself, and hope my wife can too.
I guess the point of all this is this: I am doing amazingly better as far as my mental health goes, but bad days do happen. I am not cured. There is no cure for what I have in my mind. Using the skills I have learned I can mitigate damage. I can carry on. I can keep hope for the future.