Where do you go when you have reached for help, and the professionals are unable to help anymore?
I’m tired. Tired of the fatigue that accompanies my down swings. Tired of taking pills. Tired of doctors. Tired of therapy. Tired of it all. I would love nothing more than to go into a forever sleep. In my mind that would solve everything. My family and friends would be able to finally be done with this hell I put them through.
I saw my psychologist today. I told him as much. His reply was that if thats how I’m feeling it may be time to go inpatient again. I asked him quite reasonable, what would the point be? I’d be dealing with the same doctor who is sure he has me figured out. I’d be dealing with the same condescending staff. I am not actively suicidal right now. So what would the point be?
As much as I would love to be done with everything, there is something in me that is keeping me going. I don’t know what. I don’t know why. and if I ever lose it, I’m screwed.
I saw my Psychiatrist last week. To say that it was not helpful is an understatement. She told me that I have all the pieces, and if I cut down my gaming…with the plan to have it completely eliminated, I’ll be fine. Feeling suicidal? try not to think about it. Feeling overwhelmed? take your wife for a nice date. And the best? “You have to make changes, think about where you want to be in five years.” Seriously? I’m having a hard time keeping it together as is, and she drops that on me? Seriously? Get fucked.
Even my psychologist said it was out of line. So again I ask. Where do I turn when the professionals are no help? I feel like I’m trapped, left with bad options all the way around.
I do not want to feel the way I do. I do not want to deal with the overwhelming anxiety. I do not like this. This is not where I saw myself at this point in my life. I’ve lost my career. I bring drama to family and friends. I know this is not easy for them. It isn’t easy for me either. I just want to quit fighting every step of every day.