Struggles

 

Where do you go when you have reached for help, and the professionals are unable to help anymore?

I’m tired. Tired of the fatigue that accompanies my down swings. Tired of taking pills.  Tired of doctors. Tired of therapy. Tired of it all. I would love nothing more than to go into a forever sleep.  In my mind that would solve everything. My family and friends would be able to finally be done with this hell I put them through.

I saw my psychologist today. I told him as much. His reply was that if thats how I’m feeling it may be time to go inpatient again. I asked him quite reasonable, what would the point be? I’d be dealing with the same doctor who is sure he has me figured out. I’d be dealing with the same condescending staff. I am not actively suicidal right now.  So what would the point be?

As much as I would love to be done with everything, there is something in me that is keeping me going. I don’t know what. I don’t know why. and if I ever lose it, I’m screwed.

I saw my Psychiatrist last week. To say that it was not helpful is an understatement. She told me that I have all the pieces, and if I cut down my gaming…with the plan to have it completely eliminated, I’ll be fine.  Feeling suicidal? try not to think about it. Feeling overwhelmed? take your wife for a nice date. And the best? “You have to make changes, think about where you want to be  in five years.” Seriously? I’m having a hard time keeping it together as is, and she drops that on me? Seriously? Get fucked.

Even my psychologist said it was out of line. So again I ask. Where do I turn when the professionals are no help? I feel like I’m trapped, left with bad options all the way around.

I do not want to feel the way I do. I do not want to deal with the overwhelming anxiety. I do not like this. This is not where I saw myself at this point in my life.  I’ve lost my career.  I bring drama to family and friends. I know this is not easy for them. It isn’t easy for me either. I just want to quit fighting every step of every day.

Kevin

2 thoughts on “Struggles

  1. I guess the truth is, sadly, there is no good answer or perfect formula. You are coping the best you can. I know that doesn’t feel good enough a lot of the time. You’re here and you’re doing your best. That’s all any of us can do.

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  2. I know the frustration and the tired. Tired, exhausted, feeling like you can’t get it right no matter what I do.
    Tired of the appointments and the travel to end up more frustrated than inspired.
    To know the constant battle of the logical mind and emotional one that never meets up and fails me continually.
    To feel broken and battle to find a reason to live and to feel I have some intrinsic worth.
    The support and professionals that allow us to feel we aren’t making progress soon enough for their liking or the we have been here before and you made it through so the skills are there. Ugh ugh ugh!
    The dark moments and hours- the fighting you mind and feelings- the simple things that feel far more complicated take it’s toll.
    What is the point- why does it matter- go to one more appointment! You can do it! Hell no! But yet I go! We go! Something in us gets us there.
    Perhaps a vacation is in order- I would love one of those that I hear others take. Sounds good but how do I leave my roving thoughts or raging emotions at home. Where do I go to have that peace. How do I make them just stop. Why can’t I replenish my energy. When will everything quit draining me. When will simple be simple?
    Thank you for the courage to do this blog. It makes me feel less alone and it is good to know I am not the only one struggling this way but makes me damn sad we have to.
    I get the professionals have so many in need and not enough time or energy themselves. I know they are strained beyond despair but it is those in need who suffer even more in a broken system that fails to be able to meet the needs!
    It is daunting and it strains me daily but we know deep inside what is broken but we do t know how to fix it- fact is I remain uncertain they know how to fix it cause if they did more of us would be fixed- whatever fixed means.
    Perhaps we exist to remind ourselves and others that relationship is important and we are not islands unto ourselves but we need each other and we are merely different and we function differently than others. Maybe nothing is really broken – maybe some of us are tasked with an abundance of feeling when others can’t connect to theirs we remain too connected. Perhaps we are that balance. Perhaps!
    But I am thankful we can talk about this separate from judgement and in understanding! Thank you!

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