I haven’t written in a few days, because, well, I’ve been struggling. To say that lately I have felt suicidal is over stating it, but the level of exhaustion I feel has no word in the English language.
I was actually held overnight last Thursday in psychiatric Emergency after my weekly group session, because of how low I have been feeling. I honestly feel like I’m out of gas. I feel like I am putting out maximum effort just to maintain status quo. The frustration attached to that knows no bounds.
The doctor told me he is amazed at my insight into my conditions. I told him the problem is, even with that insight, I still feel like I am out of control, that my logic and emotion are on two parallel tracks, and they don’t integrate with each other very well.
Generally speaking, the human mind has two distinct sections that blend into each other. The logical mind, and the emotion mind. where the sections blend is the area known as wise mind. It is the part of your mind where you are, in theory, supposed to make the best decisions based on logical facts and emotional needs. Unfortunately I have very little blending. my logic and emotion are two distinct pilots fighting for control of my body, and I often times feel that I am just along for the ride.
Logically speaking, I could go on at length about how poor of a decision completing suicide would be. How devastating it would be for my family and friends. Emotionally though, my reasoning is quite the opposite. Emotionally I feel that everyone would be better off without me. That if I could just summon the strength to finish the job, then my family and friends would be able to grieve me, and move on, without being dragged through the hell and drama known as my life. The two sides of my mind that should be working together are at war with other. And it is exceptionally draining.
I only really tell my closest friends and family how I am really feeling. Everyone else gets the old standby of, “I’m just tired.” What does that even mean?
I’m tired of my completely unstable moods. I’m tired of my urges to self harm. I’m tired of forcing myself to function for one more day, when I feel like I am done. I’m tired of my emotions dragging me through hell, and I’m tired of dragging my friends and family through it as well. I’m tired of the pills I need to take to remain almost “normal.” I’m tired of therapy. Of doctors. Tired of being tired. I’m tired of my inability to handle crowds and noisy environments. That’s what “I’m tired,” means to me.
I keep telling myself that there has to be more to life than this. I shouldn’t feel the way I do. I know that is a harsh judgement of myself, but really, what do I have to be down about? I’m happily married. I’ve got friends and a huge church family, who support when I ask. I’m just getting tired of leaning on people, and not understanding why I can’t support myself. I’ve always been the one that others come to for help. I’m really not liking the role of having to be the one to ask for it.
I know that I have made it this far, and have no reason to expect it not to continue, however my hope is starting to fade that I will ever be able to move past the traumas and mental illness that have led me to this point.