Frustration in my mind

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Well, the last week has been… interesting. I’ve been more stable, but definitely low. My weekly sojourn to Edmonton was definitely a good day though. I participate in a group therapy there that I have been doing for several months. The drive is long, however I definitely benefit from the sessions.

This last week, I opened up about several topics that I have been struggling with.One of the topics had to do with the group itself, and as it turns out, I wasn’t the only one with the concerns, and that sparked a very positive group discussion.

As for the personal concerns I have been struggling with, It was pointed out how I have been doing, not falling into some of the same pits as I was before. I haven’t been cutting, as bad as the urges have been getting again. I’ve been distracting, reading, video games, all to get my mind off of my emotions.

In other words, progress has been made. I still struggle. Sometimes more than others. November and December are my worst times of year for some reason, and I don’t understand that. I have no significant triggers for this time of year, at least none that I am aware. I did have a run of lousy calls from September-December one year. Some of those stuck with me, but not really any more so than crappy calls I ran during other times of the year.

I know that I didn’t set myself up for the easiest of paths in my life. I’ve had emotional issues ever since I was a child. I’ve had numerous turbulent relationships. Then moving into one of the most stressful careers imaginable, EMS, left me open to additional trauma via Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Through it all, I have stayed standing. My life has had its share of challenges. I’ve been chronically suicidal for years. I’ve self harmed off and on for years as well, although I am rapidly approaching 2 years without self harm.  The major frustration I carry with me at the moment is, I know the skills. I know its a cycle. However, being aware of all of that doesn’t help when I am feeling like I am at the bottom of a hole, and the more I try to climb out, the more dirt I pile on top of me.

I’m getting tired. I’m tired of struggling with my mental health. Tired of fighting for every step forward I take. I’m tired of just surviving most days. I’d love to be able to LIVE my life. I want to enjoy myself at big events, not have anxiety going through the roof, and being so sensitive to noise that even the simple act of our home furnace kicking on sends my skin crawling.

Dealing with my mental health has given some substantial limitations in my day to day activities. I’m seeing that. Seeing and accepting are far from the same thing though. I know I did not get to this point overnight, and it will not be solved overnight either. Between genetic and environmental conditions I had the deck stacked against me from the start. Everyday I’m above ground is another day I’m fighting. It’s not easy. I will trip on this journey. I will fall. I’m starting to realize though that the falls make me stronger, as long as I continue to get up one more time than I go down.

Thanks for reading.

K

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