Borderline Persobalty Disorder sucks. There is no getting around it. The last couple weeks, I have been doing ok. My moods have been stable. I’ve been excercising. I’ve been feeling Good. The last three or four days however, I have been struggling. My energy level has plummeted. My appetite has exploded and I have actually gained 3lbs in the last few days.
My skin has been crawling. Loud noises have been sending electric jolts through me, and crowds have definitely not been my friend. At the end of the day though, it’s just a part of living with this disorder. I hate it. I hate the darkness that it comes with. I hate the oppresive thoughts.
The thoughts that tell me I am not good enough. The thoughts that tell me I don’t deserve to be happy. That my family doesn’t need to deal with me. The houghts that death is my best option.
I was reading another blog recently, and in it the author discussed the feelings of being chronically suicidal versus acutely suicidal. Those are feelings I am very familiar with. I live with them frequently. I’m not actively suicidal right now, however I would be lying if I said the thoughts weren’t crossing my mind.
Further compounding the issues are the feelings of frusteration. Frusteration that I keep going through these cycles of ups and downs. Despite what I do to keep myself healthy. The medications help, but I know they are no silver bullet. Coping skills help, but when I flounder, the very act of doing what keeps me healthy is just too much.
It is the cycle of the illness though. I’m still standing, despite the errant thoughts going through my mind. I know it is the nature of the illness. I do know I don’t like it though. But all I can deal with is what is before me. And keep surviving.