Not my circus, not my monkey’s

This last week has definity had its ups and downs. Overall though, I feel like I am maintaining pretty well. I’ve been doing the little things that I need to do to keep myself going. Ive also been making some healthier choices.

I’ve been exercising frequently, usually 45minutes to an hour 3 or 4 times a week. For me that is huge. When I struggle, my fitness is usually the first thing to go….which is ironic as it helps keep me grounded.

I’ve been keeping my appointments, and making some solid progress with them. My psychologist is actually recommending that we back off to every other week, and see how it goes. As nervous as that thought makes me, I am in favor of it, as I am getting tired of driving. One of the unfortunate side effects of living in a rural area. I travel 90 minutes each way to go see my psychologist. About 45 to see my psychiatrist. Not to mention the two and a half hours each way to get to my weekly group. I definitely spend a significant amount of time on the road. But it’s all helping.

I have a couple of measures that I have to show me how much it’s all helping. First and foremost, I feel better. I have more focus. I have more energy. I have less anxiety. Secondly, my wife tells me. She sees a huge difference in me between when I am up, and when I am down. I am less grumpy. Less intense. Our relationship is better because of it. She can tell I am more relaxed, and she told me last night that the excercise and group I am in definitely help keep me level, even when I’m struggling.

Which, last night I definitely was. I had my group yesterday. It was intense. I felt absolutely drained by the time we were done, in no small part due to one of our group members telling us that they had overdosed in the last week. They also said that they weren’t suicidal. They just wanted the shit to stop. And that put me into a place I was in not so long ago. I’ve been there. I definitely empathize. I’m also concerned, because I know when I start sliding bad things happen. And the individual was definitely not in a good place.

The thing I keep reminding myself of though is this. I have a hard enough time controlling myself. I can’t take on other people’s issues. I will do what I need to do for me. Like exercise. Like self care, however that looks. I will protect myself. I will slip. I will fall. I will keep getting up. I will control what I can in my sphere of influence. Everything outside of it I won’t worry about, because what’s the point in worrying when I can affect no change?

I will fall back to my basic EMT training. I will look after myself first, then my partner (my wife), then everyone else, because if I don’t look after myself, I can’t be effective in helping other.


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