I get annoyed at things easily. Be it dumb drivers, people just flat not thinking, or stupid things such as certain websites burping and losing a post that I was somewhat happy with in how it turned out. An apology to all who follow my blog, somehow WordPress burped and my previous blog entitled “the Bear and the Chiuaha” has gone missing in action. Unfortunately it does not seem recoverable, however it is a topic I will definitely address again.
Working at keeping my annoyance in check, and the way it affects with my interactions with people, definitely takes work. I am working at not letting things get to me as much as I used to. Especially when I am the object of my own annoyance. It is definitely easier said than done.
I am my own worst critic. My psychologist has said on a few occasions that I spend way too much time kicking my own ass. I have lost track of the number of times I have replayed interactions with people in my head, dissecting every pause, every word of a conversation, trying to find someplace where I messed up, where I was wondering if I said something to give ammunition to someone to use against me. I become confident that I screwed up, that I have damaged the relationship with whoever I was interacting with.
Then the real damage occurs. I go into repair mode, and try to “fix” whatever slight I “know” I found. And in doing so, I push people, driveing them away. It’s not something I do intentionally. But it happens none the less. When I get like this, I have been described as intense, arrogant, or unstable. All of these can be true. Just ask my wife. None of it is intentional though.
The main thing to know is, whatever is going on, whatever slight I think I’ve caused in my relationships, my overgrown reaction to it is within me. Mind reading is a concept we’ve spoken about in several of the therapy groups I have done over the years, and it is a skill that allows me to determine that I have offended or hurt someone without either of us saying a word. Typing this out, it seems ridiculous. When I am struggling though, it is absolutely real. The best thing anyone can do when facing someone in this position is this. Be patient. Be kind. Don’t let me push you away. Withdraw a bit if you must, but don’t walk away completely. This is a short term glitch. I will bounce back. And please know that it is not someone else I am reacting to, it’s my own battle with my self.